Day 322: calming down

You know when you make a to-do list, maybe even just in your head, and you start to add all sorts of things that probably shouldn’t even be a priority at the moment? I call it “kitchen sinking” where we let ourselves get all worked up in a tizzy like that’s some sort of helpful process. I did it tonight. I was building up my tizzy for at least a good hour, worrying about this and that and the other. It culminated when I was asked what I’d like for dinner and started crying. I’ve shared more vulnerable moments here, so why not this: I was crying about pasta versus black beans and rice. It seemed dire.

I had gotten myself into this state, and was maybe 20% sure I could get myself out of it.

I spent some quiet time in a dim room. I drank  some ice cold water (today was a really hot & humid day, and it wasn’t helping.) Then I had chamomile tea and watched terrible television. My cats came to comfort me the way animals do, you know? And slowly, I felt better. The next time this happens (because it’s bound to eventually…) I think I’ll feel more confident that I can handle it.

Of course my strategies won’t work for everybody all the time; they don’t even work for me all the time. But, today they worked. And tomorrow, I’m going to pick just a few things – small, realistic goals, and work on them one by one.

Day 295: UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I kind of have a lot going on right now. It’s a stressful time, and I’ve had quite a few roadblocks. Physically at least, I think I’m on the mend, and I think I’ve learned a little about pain and healing. Please read what follows in case it could help you or somebody you care about.

I recently had some excruciating pain coming at me and pretty much no way to guess where it was coming from or what to do about it. I was experiencing sudden, sharp pain in my upper right arm. It was on the outside of my arm, maybe 3 inches down from my shoulder, and very, very pointed. The tiniest dot of tremendous pain. It would come on so suddenly I’d scream, and then it was just gone. Then I’d maybe experience it again 30 seconds or 30  minutes later. It seemed totally random, and I couldn’t figure out which movements were causing it, but the pain was debilitating. I couldn’t turn on a faucet or drive a car; I certainly couldn’t play viola.

I went to a few websites to research my symptoms, and came up with unclear and terrifying results. The most likely culprit was supposedly a muscle cramping (but it didn’t feel like that at all) and the treatment was a heating pad (which didn’t work.) Next was a broken bone which made no sense. There were at least 7 options… but nothing rang true.

I called my closest doctor-friend and described my symptoms with precise detail and she immediately and kind of involuntarily answered “you might have a pinched nerve in your neck.” Now we’ve hit upon the reason I needed to write this: who would know that severe pain in the bow arm meant a neck problem? Thank you my dear doctor friend!!! I love you KJM! The sudden pain in my upper right arm might have been caused by some sort of problem in my neck, and it turns out on the left side.

After that, long story short: she gave me advice and I did more research, and all of it pointed to: REST. Rest as much as possible, take some ibuprofen, and ice the neck. The arm and shoulder are in huge-pain, but the cure is in the neck.

So here is what I’ve learned about pinched nerves: REST. Then, ICE. Ice, not heat, is advised. And it might be difficult to figure out what to ice…it’s often not where the pain is. And even weirder: it may not be a “playing injury.” I don’t have exact answers just yet, but here’s what I figure happened to me: I was practicing a moderate amount, and I was playing with good relaxation. However, I have a chronic habit of sitting in fixed positions for too long, and then realizing I was causing myself numbness/cramping/pain because I was distracted by something else. Turns out that is a leading cause of pinched nerves.

Let’s all remember to move. Let’s remember to adjust our positions. Particularly folks who work at desks: remember to stand up regularly. (I recently heard once per 20 minutes is ideal). And if you experience any severe pain, obviously seek help as immediately as possible. I know that professional, medical help isn’t freely and readily available to many people, and I continue to encourage that we all seek whatever help we can manage.

When we have nothing else, rest is free. Ice is readily available. For the folks more supported, it’s still really hard. For everybody, I recommend action as early as possible. I’m not an expert on this stuff, but it seems logical.

I’m feeling much better, but I’m certainly not taking it for granted.

Day 249: difficult ≠ impossible

Every single thing we work on is a combination of simpler things. Even the simpler things can be broken down again and again. It’s easy to forget this and get overwhelmed and bogged down.

When facing something complicated, let’s all remember it is our job to make it less complicated. Let’s remember that difficult music is difficult, but not impossible.

 

Day 216: release

Even though I am constantly talking/thinking/writing about relaxation, there IS a certain amount of tension required to do our work. (Or really any work for that matter.) And when things get tougher, it might take slightly more tension. It’s important, then, that we learn to release any increase in tension/stress/work/effort as soon as we can.

Let’s remember to release. Even if we start from a place of relaxation (which is hard enough), it is inevitable that we will hit at least SOME tension. Let’s release that tension in the moment; better music and happier musicians will emerge.

Day 187: facing flaws

When something is wrong, it can be hard to face it. It’s a little like when you get a shot or have blood drawn… it seems to hurt less if you look away, doesn’t it? But sometimes the only way to heal is to take an honest look at our wounds. Recovering from my recent (minor) foot surgery, I have to look right at the gory stuff and manhandle it several times a day as a part of physical therapy. I have no choice. Well, I guess I have the choice of not healing properly, but that would be ridiculous. So here I am, looking straight at the fresh scar and awful bruises, so that I can recover. It’s no fun, but it has me thinking about practice and having a healthy awareness of our flaws. We all have weaknesses if we are honest with ourselves, and the best growth comes from observing and analyzing them head on. (If you think you have no flaws, I may have just found your flaw for you…)

Today has been about facing some of my flaws/wounds/weaknesses head on. And not beating myself up over a single one of them, just learning and growing.

Day 168: even the hard stuff gets easier

Recently I started working on some Lillian Fuchs etudes for an upcoming project. I’ll be performing a couple of them in a few weeks, but just a month ago they seemed REALLY difficult. I’m starting to think Fuchs didn’t like anything that wasn’t played at warp speed. (And I don’t have much wiggle room- there’s a specific metronome marking on each one.) One etude in particular is chord after chord after chord, with tons of shifting, and of course it’s presto. I make a point to always reward myself with something easier and fun after a tough block of work, so I’d follow the tough Fuchs work with something lighter.

Today I was working on something that I find pretty difficult: chromatic scales in double-stops (6ths and octaves) in B-flat minor. I gave it a good 15 minutes; that’s about 3 years in Alexis-doing-0ctave-scales-time. And afterward? My “easier and fun” reward was one of the Fuchs etudes that seemed impossible a month ago! My hard thing from a month ago became my rewarding fun thing today. It felt so good!!!

Even the hard stuff gets easier. Maybe it will never be easy, but it will definitely be easier. Keep at it.

Day 164: life is hard

Life is hard. It’s really, really hard. Just the very basics can be completely overwhelming.

Just a brief to-do list of some (not all!) of the basics:

• Take care of your health: who hasn’t been told by a doctor or trainer or dentist that she should be doing more and better? This should be the very most basic task, keeping ourselves alive, no? Why are we all so bad at it???
• Give love to your family and friends: GO CALL YOUR MOTHER. or your father or your best friend or the dear old acquaintance you’ve been meaning to catch up with for far too long.
• Your pets, too.
• Clean up after yourself. Usually some others, too. Do the dishes and the laundry and the ohmygod-zillion things that it takes to just exist in civilization. Also hygiene.
• Do your job. Do it well. Don’t get fired. Show up on time even when everything else is falling apart. Possibly get yelled at anyhow.
• Take care of your belongings & your finances: do what your mechanic would have you do. Change your oil and check your tire pressure and don’t drive so fast. Do what your accountant would advise, if you could afford one. Take care of your money and your clothes and your furniture and your everything. Pay your bills and on time, even when everything else is falling apart. Possibly get yelled at anyhow.

And now we ask of ourselves to do all of this and on top of it be grad students or parents or performers or all of the above, and so much more. It’s ridiculous when you think about it. Nobody can do all of it. We are all going to fail a little, probably every day. It’s a busy and hard life, and we’re supposed to stop and smell the roses, too. We want to be ethical and kind and take in the world around us, because it is fleeting. It’s just a whole lot we are asking of ourselves.

We can do this, and we deserve to forgive ourselves the flaws and failings along the way.

 

Day 69: the accident

It was almost a week ago that I made a huge mistake. Or a series of mistakes. Actually the original mistake was many months ago. God I don’t even know where to start. Okay, about a week ago I forever diminished the value of my beloved viola. I feel sad even thinking about it. I’ve alluded to the accident in previous entries, what with my trip to the luthier and all, but it’s been hard to talk about. It’s hard because I feel stupid and careless and sad and poor and stressed out about it. So I’ll write what I can now, and try to let it go so I can better move forward.

Last Saturday I came home fairly late. My husband was out of town and the house was dark, silent. I had my viola on my back and I was carrying a ridiculous amount of music and groceries and god knows what. I opened the first door into the house into the foyer space where our mailman leaves our mail, and a man jumped up. I had startled him awake, and he was saying “I’ll leave” or something…it’s a bit of a blur. It was pitch black, and I was terrified. I screamed, and only after several minutes did I register that I recognized the guy and he was a rather harmless vagrant. I had called the police on him before…was this dude stalking me? My heart was pounding; I called 911.

The next 3 hours were spent evaluating options with the police while they searched for him. I could have him arrested for breaking and entering, even though there is no lock on that first door. It was my only move, really, but I was torn. I could go into this at length, but it’s not the point here. I decided to have him arrested if they were able to find him. They were not.

I didn’t sleep that night. At all. The following morning I went to teach private lessons in the tiny music studio I make my home on the weekends. I was shaky and frazzled. I didn’t take the care I normally would with my instrument… it was sitting in the case, open, and I dropped a water bottle on it. It sort of slipped-flew out of my hands and I screamed…there was a lot of screaming last weekend…and my baby was cracked. She had two small cracks on her front, under the f hole. I would later learn there are far worse places to be damaged, you know, if you decide you want to throw a water bottle at your precious instrument. By the f hole isn’t so bad. If you want to inflict more damage aim more at the center, above the sound post.

This is a very costly repair for me, and it wouldn’t be if my instrument insurance was up to date. (This is the mistake of many months ago; my insurance had lapsed.) We are talking thousands of dollars folks. Get your insurance up to date, as in current AND for the correctly appraised value of your instrument.

I’m going to be okay, and the viola is going to be okay. She’s in the hands of her maker, a fantastic luthier (Christopher Germain, in Philly) who very generously loaned me a beautiful instrument to play in the meantime. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.

Day 67: BREATHE

I just caught myself doing what I call “kitchen-sinking”…it’s this special kind of worrying where I get myself all worked up and lump all my stresses together in my head. My brain will leap from concern to concern all manic-like and I’ll totally freak myself out. The thought process went something like “I need to pay my bills. This is going to be a tough month for bills, with the viola in the shop and the check engine light turning on again. And I can’t put off the car, because it’s overdue for the emissions test WAIT I shouldn’t be thinking about any of this I have a comp exam in 6 days I really need to study for OH that reminds me I’m supposed to be getting some theory work into my advisor. CRAP that reminds me that the other advisor wants to see progress in 2 weeks did I just play a page of music withallthisgarbagerunningthroughmymindAAAAAAH”

Okay Alexis, BREATHE. Step away from the coffee. Let’s do one thing at a time. Let’s prioritize what needs to get done now, and be in the moment: I will take my own advice and make a list of the stuff bugging me and set it aside. And when I am playing viola, I will be present.

Let’s breathe. And I don’t mean the kind of breathing we normally discuss in music, which is also super important. Today I mean the regular kind, and I need to do more of it. Anybody with me?

Day 64: worry

Are you one of my students who thinks they are doing absolutely fantastic all of the time? Some of you seem just a wee bit too confident. You could maybe worry a little more.

Everybody else? As in, almost everybody on the planet? We need to be worrying less. It makes sense that we worry: it helps us to get motivated, it helps us to think critically, it gives our work focus…  BUT – we are overdoing it. All of us. Let’s let go a little. Let’s remember to make a little music that is just FUN every day. Let’s remember nothing musical comes from a worrying person who is a huge ball of tension. No poet arrived at their greatest work because they furrowed their brow and squeezed the pen harder. Let’s worry less, all of us.